#realtalk
i love honest, beautiful, difficult, shameless, healing, overdue conversations.
I think I can.
“You must arrange your life around certain practices that you will enable you to do what you cannot now do by willpower alone” -John Ortberg. Let me tell you some things about me.I took dance classes in fourth grade, I told everyone I knew “you better come to my recital, because it’s my first and last.” I was on my neighborhood swim team for two summers, and all I have to show for it is a few participation ribbons. I played soccer for five seasons, and I never once scored a single goal. In eighth grade I was on the girls basketball team…. As a manager. My freshman and junior year, I went out for the cross country team. I quit within a month or two both times. Don’t worry though, I managed to make it into both pictures. So, you probably get the point that I am no Michael Jordan (or whoever is good at sports these days.) To put it bluntly, I suck.I am still that girl in PE class; the one who shoots in the opponent’s hoop and gets hit in the head with kickballs. Yup. But, do you want to know when what really makes me mad? When people try to tell me that I can’t run.I will be telling someone like “Oh, when I was running yesterday..” and they will laugh! Or tell me thats a joke! Okay, yes, I am athletically challenged, but I can change that. Last summer, I decided one day that I was going to run a half marathon. I must have been bored, and it seemed like a good way to exercise. I told my dad, and he printed out a training program for me and I started running.There were days when 3 miles, seemed like 60 and I didn’t know how I could run another foot. Somedays running 13.1 miles seemed quite impossible. But I did it. And I think you can too. I guess I should get back to my quote at the beginning. If I was born with the ability to run 13 miles, it would not have even been rewarding to cross the finish line. Running a half marathon, was something I worked hard towards for month and I when I accomplished my goal, I felt like I earned it.That is what was so great about it, that I was not born to be a runner; I chose to be one. Everyday is an opportunity to chose what you want to be.Work towards what you want, or you will never get it. You reap what you sew. You never know until you try. Practice makes perfect. Shoot for the starts. Believe in yourself and you’ll find a way.Turns out that the motivational posters we look at when we are bored in class are pretty true. Be fearless, and just see what happens.
decisions.
I could go to MSU next year and live in the dorms with my best friend. I could join all kinds of clubs and make new friends and attend a spanish speaking church. I could buy cute MSU clothes and ride my bike around. I have spent so much time and anticipation thinking about my next four years at Missouri State. But nothing has really fallen into place. No grants. No scholarships. No work study. And lots and lots of money to pay. The past 72 hours I been thinking about going to Longview. At first the idea was devastating, but now its 90% more manageable. It would be free. I could live with my family and I could get a grown up job and save up money. There are oppurtunities for community and a social life here.
My parents told me, that they will help me get through my first year at Missouri State if thats what I want. But I don’t know what I want really. And I definitley do not know what God wants.
Trusting and waiting.
These are my babies. When I was a freshman and they were in kindergarten I started being their “shepherd.” Now they are in third grade and so beautiful! It’s so sad to think that next year, I may be leaving them. I will miss these pretty faces!
birthday.
Things I have: the best family ever. unbelievably wonderful friends. a lot of cute running clothes. pretty pretty flowers. graduation dresses. a really happy heart. 18 years of life. a tummy that hurts from laughing too much. and a prom date!
My heart.
In my short life there have been 3 boys I have really cared about. Not have really cared, care. That’s what I realized tonight. When I have come to love any of them, a little part of my heart stretched out to them. And I am figuring out, that it is going to take so long for those parts to all come back. One of these boys, I haven’t had a real conversation with in a year and a half. But I saw him tonight and my stomach just dropped. I can still feel him tugging at his piece of my heart. I don’t understand it. And I keep accidentally loving more people, and there is more tugging and I have still haven’t healed from the first one. My hearts not broken. It’s strained. It is bearable most of the time, but then sometimes I realize I have never truly learned how to let go of my burdens.
God, set my heart free so that it may only yearn for you.
my god, my god why have you forsaken me?
God in our likeness
For nothing less than love
Our Judge became our Savior
To make a way for us
“I think you are absolutley beautiful. And yeah, I wouldnt mind kissing you for hours. But do you know what sounds even better than that? Talking. I want you to tell me what you are most scared of and what makes you really angry. I want to know what your favorite flavor of popsicle is and why you got sent to the principles office in first grade. I want to know what you fight with your parents about and I would like to hear you tell me your favorite jokes. I want to know all the stupid details that dont matter at all. I want you. All of you.”
